dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
