I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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