I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize