Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
