I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
