11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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