Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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