yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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