"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
where does the pee come out of this thing
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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