I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
