Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
