I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It's official drugs can't kill me
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
