Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
