And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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