She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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