we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
