i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
