i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
