I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
