Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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