omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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