Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
