She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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