take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
