Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
