You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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