also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
