Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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