I feel great
I just peed on a car
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
