I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Of course I have a pirate flag
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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