There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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