Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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