i think i have two assholes
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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