I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
