No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
