I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
