I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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