it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
