All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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