Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize