I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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