It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
