you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
