I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
