last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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