oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize