I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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