he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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