Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
