My underwear smells like fireworks.
she smelled like a LAN party
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
