There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
false alarm, still single
Randomize