Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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