I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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