Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
