I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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