Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
They are going to name an STD after you.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
