Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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