Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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