i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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