it hurts more in the daytime
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
