someone get that fucking seahorse.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
