He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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