Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
