There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
