I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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